Where Laughter Meets Lunacy

Isn’t there anyone out there that can teach me how to deal with stupidness without wanting to scream? I’m tired of people saying “Just don’t let things bother you.” Motherfucker if I knew how to “Just not let things bother me” would I be asking for help right now? Probably not! I don’t want to end up like my mother, but I’m starting to fear that’s exactly where I’m headed.

Yup.

It’s been so long since I’ve logged into my blog I’m amazed I even remembered the correct password on the first try. I am trying to stay semi-positive about life but sometimes it is harder than others. I know I really don’t have any right to complain, I am a lot better off than some people, still, it’s hard sometimes. I have a wonderful husband, two great cats, despite the fact they are moody and downright cantankerous (I don’t usual use those big fancy words, but it’s a fun one) at times. I have a loving, supportive family, and a great dad who is currently supporting me and previously mentioned wonderful husband and cantankerous cat children. I am not normally the type of person to ask for help or have others take care of me, so this past year has been very difficult for me to deal with. I am so very thankful for my dad taking us all in and taking care of us, but at the same time I feel like a horrible useless freeloader. I have been applying for job after job, all of which I am more than qualified for, but have yet to land anything. I try to avoid the jobs closely linked with family members just because I don’t know how long we will be here and I don’t want to let anyone down if we decide to up and move away in the near future. People keep telling me it’s just the economy but at times it’s hard not to think maybe I just suck somehow and no one wants me. I have literally been blown off by two companies now, it gets to the point where they just don’t return calls.  So here I sit, on another cold cloudy Oregon morning, sitting in front on my computer with tears running down my face. I don’t even know what to do anymore. I have just finished another online application, maybe this one will be the one. I also wonder sometimes if maybe my aunt and uncle are right, maybe this inability to land a job is a sign that we just shouldn’t be here, we need to get out of the valley and start fresh somewhere new. Everyone knows we don’t want to live here forever, we had just hoped to be able to save up and plan for our next move, unlike the last one where we fled like murder witnesses just to make it out alive. Come this June Dave and I will have been married for 3 years. It’s been a non-stop roller coaster ride of joy and heartache. Unlike most some couples the heartache doesn’t come from our relationship though, it’s all from non-marital sources. I don’t think I could have survived these last few years without Dave, he helps keep me sane and doesn’t let me forget that everything will be fine someday, we just have to make it through these rough patches of road. When I am bored and down I look at houses for sale online and dream of one day having a house of our very own for the cats to play in, and hopefully human children as well someday. I haven’t quite decided if this is good or not, it does inspire me to get there, but also depresses me because we are far from there. Sometimes Most of the time I just want to run away and start over somewhere new, but then I feel bad for the family I would be leaving behind. I appreciate all they have down for us and I would miss them so much, but I just want a fresh start, a new place where the bad memories of various parts of my past might stop haunting me. Not to say there aren’t any good memories here, it’s just the bad ones are the ones that forever haunt me in my nightmares. I just want us to be happy. And I don’t want to be a burden to the people I love. Reading one plus two inspires me to up and take off, but then I remind myself that her move was long thought out and well planned, I would just be flying by the seat of my pants, something I have been doing a lot of lately though I suppose.  I listen to this song way too much also. I mean hell, we’ve already up and ran off to try and start over once, of course that was a truly horrific experience, but wherever we choose to go next can’t possibly be as awful as that whole thing was. *knocks on wood* At least I got to meet a few great people down there in CA, although not the ones I expected. Well I’ve been up for a few hours now and have yet to make it more than 3 feet from the bed so I suppose I will end this here for now and go make some tea, hit the shower, etc. Maybe I will  have an epiphany in the shower and all answers for what to do in life will come rushing into my poor, tired, scrambled brain, heh.

So I have 10 hand written pages of my life that need to be typed up. I got through page 3 a few nights ago but I haven’t motivated myself to get started on it again:/ I wrote these pages one day while at work during the giant rough patch in life when we were living in California. I didn’t write a date on these pages but I think it was shortly after Dave got the holy living shit beat out of him by the neighbor’s drunk stupid friends fuckheads. I had so many things going on and no one I could “truly” vent to. I was trying not to bombard Dave with anymore shit than he already had to deal with. Work was slow that day and I had done everything there was for me to do so randomly I just started writing about things that frustrated me, but I made the mistake of starting at day 1, birth. So I managed to make it to the point where we moved to California and all the latest shit began, but didn’t actually get into the stuff that started me on this venture to begin with. After furiously writing 10 pages by hand I couldn’t write anymore that day and to this day still haven’t picked up where my previous writings left off. But since I made this blog I figured it was time to get those words on the computer and prepare them for posting, and then continue on where my story left off. I think part of the reason I haven’t brought myself to finish typing it up is because I’m not sure about posting it up for the world (ha, I have 2 people that have looked at my blog so far) to see. Not because I don’t want people to know, I am a very open person and really could care less how much people know about me, but mostly because I’m not sure how some of my family would feel about some of the things I said. But the way I look at it, if they can’t accept me and what I say for what it is, then whatever. I mean, I’ve already warned that this blog may offend some people. Well anyway, I’m just rambling now, think the OTC store brand “sleep aid” is starting to take effect, thank god, maybe I will sleep well tonight. Point is, I’m a lazy slacker who doesn’t feel like typing up my life story but I swear I’ll get to it soon, in case anyone wants to know more about why I am the way I am. Peace out, bedtime for me. Yes, I just said peace out… *shrug*